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  For the first man I remember

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This is my third (published—there are a few that will fortunately never see the light of day) book. It has been the toughest—and most rewarding—professional challenge of my life. I am so sorry to everyone I’ve let down with my juggling act over the past couple of years. I promise I’m now back in the land of the living.

  First of all, a massive thank-you to my long-suffering agent, Sam Hiyate, without whom there would be no The Intelligent Conversationalist, St. Martin’s, or Michael Flamini. Michael—thank you so much to you, Vicki Lame, and the entire team at St. Martin’s for all your support.

  Thank you to everyone who has ever invited me on air, but in particular, Neil Cavuto, Don Imus, Greg Gutfeld, Steve Friedman, and Dylan Ratigan—I learned so much from you.

  On a personal note I’m indebted to Paul Wontorek, Beth Stevens, Anthony Mendoza, and the whole team at Broadway.com, Eleanor Wilkinson, Darryl Samaraweera, Daniel Bee, Sierra Boggess, Thomas Jones, Bella Webber Design, Michael “shut up” Riedel, Peter Brown, and all my friends and family. Thank you for putting up with me.

  All the mistakes contained in The Intelligent Conversationalist are my own. My sincere apologies if I’ve been a muppet (see here) anywhere (although as per here I should probably just say: “Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day”).

  INTRODUCTION

  It has happened to us all. Including me. And most of my coworkers. On live television.

  We are embroiled in a quasi-intellectual debate or perhaps watching (even appearing on) the television news. And it occurs to us that we have a situation on our hands. We are lacking the killer fact that would enable us to win the aforementioned argument. Or the news anchor says something that makes us realize we are unable to quite account for why something has happened or where somewhere is—but we know we really should know. We somehow forgot or quite possibly missed the moment when it was explained to us.

  We are also all sometimes wrong. There are the certain beliefs we hold for years that nobody has bothered or felt fitting to correct us about. We are the victims of a Chinese whisper that has stuck.

  These are the times that we needed to have a “Cheat Sheet,” a concise set of notes of accurate, useful knowledge. Because whether we admit it or not, all of us, at all times, prefer to be never knowingly short of an opinion. On no occasion is it a good look to be one of those people who repeatedly says, “You know,” which is an immediate tip-off that they either have little idea what they’re talking about or are lazy linguists. The only type of linguist you want to be is a cunning one. An intelligent conversationalist, if you will.

  It is not that we are stupid or that we couldn’t look anything up on the Internet. But there is just too much information out there for anyone with a pulse as opposed to a CPU to disseminate. Especially now that we are expected to think of everything in social media soundbites and are so time poor. Well, according to our artfully constructed social networking profiles, we are extremely busy and important, aren’t we?

  This book will ensure you will be able to talk to anyone about anything at any time; that you will never be short of an opinion, shut out of a conversation, or written off as an empty head. It came about after I spoke to over a hundred people—male and female, aged eighteen to eighty. Even the most educated, successful, and televised among them admitted—often in whispers, usually inebriated—that they too had gaps in their knowledge. The pages in this volume contain invaluable information for our overextended, supremely busy 140-character world. Presented with tongue firmly embedded in cheek, this is a series of Cheat Sheets on a variety of topics essential to modern-day survival for the man and woman about town.

  As the only female, often on air with four mouthy men, I have to be better prepared than any of them. One mistake from the blond girl, and the best-case scenario is that your Twitter followers don’t let you forget it. Worst case normally involves YouTube and work drying up. So I know my stuff—watch my Fox News Red Eye appearances and you’d be surprised how many statistics I’ve slipped in over the years while hamming it up in the “leg chair.” To write this book, I’ve employed my research and presentational skills learned at Cambridge University and honed since 2009 on hundreds of “hits” for American cable news outlets. Fox News host Neil Cavuto, whom I’ve done coming on a hundred segments with, once said one of the nicest things to me anyone ever has after we’d finished a debate on obesity: “You have a way of making everything very clear.” That has always been my raison d’être every time I turn up on TV and what I try to do here.

  Of course, this slim tome cannot cover everything, nor will you be able to remember it all. So within it I reveal the tricks of the trade that those who permanently appear to be in the know use to switch the discussion onto safe territory, so that they always swim, not sink, in conversation. Perception is reality, after all. The first time Sean Hannity invited me onto his Fox News show one-on-one, he changed the topic as he introduced me to the nation. All my careful hours of research were suddenly worthless as I faced down a barrage of questions. Putting the tears on hold until after I left the News Corp. building, I fought back using every technique I could muster from my Cambridge debating-my-professor days to my experiences appearing on other programs. The confrontational segment won me a contributorship at MSNBC. Wish I’d known that as I sobbed my way down Sixth Avenue.

  The Intelligent Conversationalist is made up of a series of Cheat Sheets, and in homage to their origins—they were invented by students who used them without their instructor’s knowledge to cheat on a test—each chapter is a school subject split into various Cheat Sheets. Laid out in textbook style, the material contained within is what we wish we had been taught, an aid to appearing top dog today. At all times the maxim of Albert Einstein, himself no slouch in the brains department, will be kept in mind: “If you can’t explain it to a six-year-old, you don’t understand it yourself.” There will be some subjects that you are already teacher’s pet in that you can skim through. And then there are others where you don’t quite make the grade and linger longer.

  This book is for dipping in and out of. For you to discover or be reminded of a factual gem in a way that will hopefully amuse you and can be utilized to impress your lovers, colleagues, and parental figures. To an extent, most life encounters are akin to exams. And as with exams, you will revise the most relevant Cheat Sheet(s) prior to a rendezvous. Dinner with a banker? It would be wise to peruse the section on math and economics, so you can differentiate your euro bailout from your Marshall Plan. Job interview with a Brit? Discover what the UK version of a muppet is and why you want to avoid appearing like one. Christmas lunch en famille? It’s all pagan, don’t you know, or you will after you’ve read up on religion.

  The Intelligent Conversationalist
contains background briefings, explains why the topic matters today, and features talking points along with red flags in case you end up in a debate over it. For the Internet Age is not merely about possessing mere knowledge—we can all find out pretty much anything with a click of a mouse—it is about how we use that knowledge, how we present our opinions. Within these pages you may just alight on one or two items that help you win the girl, job, or quiz night.

  We begin with the basis of a good conversation in North America, the UK, and many other places around the globe: English. Without correct use of it, both written and spoken, you will not be taken seriously. I became convinced I should write this book when the then prime minister of Great Britain’s wife misspelt the word “definitely” on Twitter. In my guise as author of The Single Girl’s Survival Guide, I came across men and women who have fallen in love or broken up with their partners over spelling and grammar. Desperate, perhaps, but desperately seems another word to confuse, along with the use of apostrophes. Split infinitives can be as divisive as their title suggests. Oh, you may jest, but thanks to social networking the world is a stage for all of us. Every time we make an inadvertent spelling or grammatical mistake on a Twitter or Facebook “status update,” a good percentage of those reading our broadcast to the world have knocked our IQ down a percentage point or two. And heaven forbid you do it on your Tinder profile, it could cause unnecessary multiple swipes left. When should we put it into affect, or is it effect? Lose or loose? You may think you know. I’m sure the prime minister of the time’s wife did when she wrote definately. However, she really didn’t, and several hundred thousand people became even more convinced her husband was doing a lousy job of educating the people of Britain. This did nothing to help his ultimately unsuccessful electoral cause. Additionally, the adage is true: England and America are separated by a common language. Therefore, to help you understand those from across the pond and how they may interpret you, we look at the differences in words such as quite, the American use of which can cause mortal offense to an Englishman. This book is for the real as well as the virtual world, so this section will also include a few words to drop into conversation to impress, along with some smart one-liners to deflect anyone who verbally attacks you and methods to buy time while you remember a fact or work out how to change the topic to something you know about without anyone noticing. Equally helpful if you’re one-on-one with Hannity live or yelling at him on your television set sitting next to someone on your sofa who agrees with him. The one thing you want to avoid is blanking, which I’ve only ever done twice on air. But enough of your author’s Rick Perry moments …

  Moving on, we turn to math and economics, the subject that many were tempted to cut at school, which possibly goes a long way in explaining the dire straits of the past few years. Before you switch off entirely, I’m talking relevant math and economics. If you are going to date a Wall Street type, which variety of financier fits your schedule. How none of us really have any money. A look at tax, exchange rates, a quick review of economists in history, and an even quicker guide to the credit crunch and Eurogeddon. There will also be a few case studies so we can derive some real-life tips about what and what not to do from notorious business “brains.”

  We follow this with the subject of religion, it being the root cause of most of the world’s trouble and strife. We have a reference grid of religions containing some bullet points on the main religions that have far too often translated into real bullets, along with answers to such important questions as: Can you drink? Can you have sex? Is there a life-after-death plan? We also list the major religious holidays so you avoid offering a Muslim water during daylight hours in Ramadan and ripostes for religion being used as justification for bad behavior.

  Subject four is history, for as Churchill put it: “The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.” History is crucial for explaining why we are in the state we are in, but it is such a large topic, it is only natural we all feel all at sea. Our first Cheat Sheet of the section covers basic American history, which is targeted at, say, anyone from outside the United States wanting to sound smart at a Thanksgiving party or anyone who grew up in the US but did not pay attention to the lecture on the Puritans or to the one on holidays established by President Lincoln. We also look at American “imperialism,” the British royals (what I’m probably most notorious for here on US TV), the world wars, and the Middle East. (I know I have missed out large swaths of the globe—if I get to do a follow-up to The Intelligent Conversationalist, Africa, China, India, and Pakistan will all feature prominently.) All of this is condensed into bite-size, need-to-know chunks. Yes, I needed a small lie-down/extremely large alcoholic beverage after finishing this section.

  Our fifth subject encompasses politics and the variety of questions that topic brings up. Cable news pundits spend a lot of time bellowing at us about what is in the American Constitution—but what is actually in it? How can it get amended, again? SCOTUS—who, what, where, why? Congress: Why can’t they get anything done? What is up with all those naughty political corruption and sex scandals? Finally, jargon in American politics will be deconstructed, and we supply some solid election talking points such as “a week is a long time in politics,” “all politics is local,” “you don’t win campaigns by playing defense.” They’ve been sufficient to get me through enough election cycles on air, anyway.

  We are now pretty good at why, but what about where? Subject six is geography. This is something we should all be world experts in, really. We’re all part of a globalized society, so chances are you’re trying to chat a foreigner up for sex or cash. Hopefully not both. But too often our education—or what we remember of it—leaves much to be desired. Even President Bush II was somewhat befuddled about the difference between Wales and Great Britain. (It wasn’t the special relationship’s finest hour.) We’ll see that Brunei isn’t anywhere near Saudi Arabia and why Austria has no kangaroos. And yes, there are maps to help you out. Finally, the topic of geography of course includes climate, so we have enough information here to give short shrift to anyone still denying climate change.

  Our penultimate subject gets down to that fundamental of subjects, biology. Now, let’s all get real. In the real world, will you ever need to know about amoebae, plankton, or osmosis rates of houseplants in New Guinea? Of course not, so we cover sex and gender and the agendas they bring in. Contraception. Abortion. Feminism. LBGTQ. And circumcision, which I contemplated covering under religion, until I realized that when I thought of the male member, it rarely had anything to do with worship. Sorrynotsorry, boys. For despite our being well into the twenty-first century, these matters still seem to be front and center of too many debates. Since we’re talking about life, we also cover death—including the death penalty.

  We conclude with a cultural roundup so you appear a fully balanced human being. And so you don’t embarrass yourself if you’ve got Van Gogh’s ear for music and are trying to seduce someone arty. It would be best if you admit you don’t know everything about the person you’re wooing’s specific genre, but you should be able to match their interest in other ones. Don’t worry, you’re in good company: Everyone is telling tall tales in this area. A recent study showed that 62 percent of adults lie about reading the classics in order to appear more intelligent. We cover everything from notable authors, artists, and composers to theater, before finishing up with some winning awards-season conversation.

  If all this sounds a bit too much like hard work, never fear. For those downright time-poor (or lazy—that’s perfectly acceptable too), there’s a helpful summary, a general plan of attack if you will, at the beginning of each subject that will get you through cocktail conversation, at the very least. At the end of every Cheat Sheet, I lay out a social survival strategy that should see you through a dinner. The first part of the approach provides you an “argument”—aka a line of thought for you to make your case and to spark a discussion. The argument is followed by a clever “cri
sp fact” (as one of my college professors always insisted on) to support your position. But perhaps most important, I supply a pivot to get you out of a sticky situation. At the end of the day, if you don’t like a conversation, the intelligent thing to do is change it.

  Once you’ve perused these Cheat Sheets, you will be able to go out into the world fully confident in your ability to commentate on everything but sports (what am I, Superwoman?). Well, at least you should at least have enough wisdom to blag (British slang for bluff) your way through a tweet without humiliating yourself.

  SUBJECT ONE—ENGLISH LANGUAGE

  ENGLISH LANGUAGE SUMMARY

  The key theme to keep in mind is that unless your spelling and grammar are accurate and your vocabulary is appropriate, you will find it impossible to win any debate. That is to say, if you use arguement, you’ve lost the argument, end of. Speaking of winning, the word xenon (a chemical element) may save you at Scrabble one day. And a pivot to stop an unseemly disagreement? Try “What’s been your funniest ever autocorrect?” We all love it when we can blame technology, not ourselves.

  We begin with the basis of communication in North America, the UK, and many places around the world—the English language. Incorrect usage will automatically negate any opinion you opine and indeed possibly lose you the job—or sexual partner—of your dreams. I ran into problems with the big tribute I wrote about Margaret Thatcher when she died. I made a typo, using concurrent instead of consecutive about her three terms in office. I probably didn’t lose any sex over the error, but from the comments underneath the piece, possibly jobs and certainly reputation.

  This series of Cheat Sheets aims to prevent such minor catastrophes, focusing on the most common and embarrassing errors. Convinced that you never make mistakes such as mine? Take the following pop quiz.