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  ENGLISH POP QUIZ

  1. Definitely or definately?

  2. Do you lose or loose your virginity?

  3. Fever affects or effects your temperature?

  4. Is it “It’s a shame” or “Its a shame”?

  5. Should it be “to boldly go where no man has gone before” or “to go where no man has gone before”?

  6. What does a Brit hear when you say they are “quite pretty”?

  7. What do you say to get someone to shut up and listen?

  Correct answers: 1. Definitely. 2. Lose. 3. Affect. 4. It’s. 5. Star Trek is wrong: The boldly is an offense (to some) against grammar. 6. You think they’re fugly. 7. “Surely it’s no coincidence that the word listen is an anagram of the word silent.”

  Perhaps it’s worth having a quick skim read of this subject, just in case? Bad puns are pretty much the only excuse for bad spelling, and they’re unlikely to further your career or love life unless you’re the New York Post’s headline writer.

  Our first Cheat Sheet examines spelling. Nobody is asking you to be spelling bee champion, and yes, English is an impossibly inconsistent language—urban legend has it that 923 words break the “i before e” rule and only 44 follow it—but to make basic spelling errors in the age of spell-check is unforgivable unless you are one of the 10 to 15 percent of Americans who are dyslexic. We will thus take a look at the most common words that people seem to ignore spell-check on and also homophones, words that are pronounced alike but different in meaning.

  Our second Cheat Sheet is an index of common grammatical terms and errors. We’re not going to get bogged down on the minutiae here. We’ll give you just enough to make sure you don’t irritate a pedant you need on side by splitting an infinitive or using an apostrophe in an ill-informed way. We also quickly “remind” you of the difference between verbs, adverbs, and such like.

  Cheat Sheet 3 will focus on how, as George Bernard Shaw is widely attributed to have remarked, the United States and Great Britain are “separated by a common language.” A portion of the blame can land at the feet of Noah Webster, he of the dictionary fame. Webster was all about asserting America’s cultural independence through tweaking the language and believing words should be spelled as they sound. However, we won’t be focusing so much on spelling or grammar. Let’s be honest: The get/gotten and quotation-mark debates or the use of the phrase “I could care less” when it should be “I couldn’t care less” will not destroy Anglo-American relations. Instead we will look at a number of words, especially those involving the police, sex, and alcohol, that have very different meanings to British and American ears. We highlight them to avoid unintended and unfortunate consequences.

  The fourth and final Cheat Sheet under the banner of the English language will encompass a list of impressive words and one-liners to drop into any sort of communication and provide some methods to get you out of any oratory holes you may have dug for yourself. Of course, the most important thing to keep in mind is this: Never, ever use like or you know unless Shakespeare would have felt the need to.

  English literature, in the form of Cheat Sheets on authors and theater, is covered under culture, for here we are still covering the basics. The subject after this one must therefore be math. Sorry. Money makes the world go round and all that.

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.

  —Doug Larson

  * * *

  CHEAT SHEET 1—SPELLING

  SPELLING DISPUTE

  INTERPRETATIONS

  Affect/Effect

  An affect is an influence. An effect is a result. So an affect causes an effect. “Twitter affects people’s egos in a negative way.” “Twitter’s effects can also be positive.” There are exceptions, it’s English; blame the baffling Brits. If in any doubt, Google your phrase BEFORE you press send.

  Allude/Elude

  Allude is to hint. Elude is to escape.

  A Lot/Allot

  It is NEVER alot. A lot means to a large extent. Allot means to allocate something.

  Altar/Alter

  You’ll find an altar in a church. You can’t alter that.

  Anyone/Any one

  Anyone is referring to any person, often multiple people: “Anyone can buy my book.” Any one refers to a single person: “Any one of my friends can buy my book.”

  Ascent/Assent

  You have to assent, agree, to climb a mountain, an ascent.

  Argument

  Use arguement and you’ve lost the argument, end of.

  Aural/Oral

  Aural relates to what you hear, oral to the mouth.

  Bachelor

  You’re liable to remain a batchelor if you spell this wrong in a communiqué to your beloved.

  Bare/Bear

  Bare skin involves fur removal. A bear is furry.

  Bridal/Bridle

  A bridle is for horses. The bride may look like a horse, but the bridal party won’t be happy if they hear you say that.

  Canopy/Canapé

  You eat canapés under a canopy at a wedding.

  Censer/Censor/Sensor

  A censer is a container for incense. A censor is something Americans don’t take too kindly to, as it’s against free speech. Triggering a sensor sets alarm bells off.

  Columbus

  Spell it Colombus and it’s clear you’re not really American, are you?

  Coolly

  It is not cool to omit the second L on this one.

  Connecticut

  The thinking man’s Mississippi, as everyone knows to spell-check that. It is not spelled how it is said—Conneticut. It has an extra C.

  Chauvinism

  Use chauvanism and you’ve lost the argument, which was probably pretty brutal if you’re on the topic anyway.

  Chord/Cord

  You use chords in music, cords in sex games.

  Definite/Definitely

  Definitive, finite, decision. You are an ignorant idiot if you use definately.

  Desert/Dessert

  Desert—full of sand. Dessert—full of sugar. If a restaurant gets this wrong, you need to desert it before it gives you food poisoning.

  Desperate

  You write desparate and it’s grounds for your spouse to separate from you.

  Discreet/Discrete

  Discreet—what you try to be when you’re having an affair. Discrete means distinct.

  Elicit/Illicit

  “She was trying to elicit a response from him when she had an illicit affair.”

  Gorilla/Guerrilla

  Gorillas are animals. Humans involved with guerrilla warfare may be acting like animals, but they still receive a different spelling.

  Grateful

  Your spell-check is right, it is not greatful. Be grateful for that.

  Hangar/Hanger

  Hangars are for airplanes. Hangers are for evening dresses.

  Heroin/Heroine

  Tragic heroines may end up junkies on heroin.

  Eminent/Immanent/Imminent

  Eminent refers to those who are respected. Immanent is rarer and means inherent. Imminent means threatening.

  Independent

  Don’t go independent of the spell-check here. Trust it. It really isn’t independant.

  Lightning

  Lightning doesn’t strike twice. Spell-check is right, it isn’t lightening.

  Loose, Lose, Loser

  You’re a loser if you get this wrong. You lose your virginity. As a Desperate Housewife, to spice up your sex life, you may play around with loose handcuffs.

  Misspell

  It is not mispell. It is miss + spell = misspell.

  Principal/Principle

  The school principal will teach you principles to live by.

  Retch/Wretch

  Retching, vomiting, makes you feel wretched.

  Site/Sight

  A site is a location you visit. Sight refers to your s
ense of vision.

  Stationary/Stationery

  Stationary is what you are most of the time in an NYC cab—stopped. You go to buy envelopes in the stationery section at Staples.

  Their/There

  Their is possessive. It is about ownership: “their penthouse.” There refers to a place: “the penthouse over there.” “They’re” is covered in the grammar (apostrophe) section.

  Too/To/Two

  There’s too much on your to-do list. Task number two is especially tricky.

  Tragedy

  Tradgedy. That extra D is tragic, especially if you’re also using it in the word “privilege.”

  Wether/Weather/Whether

  Whether you need an umbrella depends on the weather. A wether is a castrated sheep—vaguely bringing up bestiality in conversation still isn’t the done thing, so best avoid.

  Whined/Wind/Wined

  Wind can make you whine if it ruins your hair. You will also whine if the wine is corked.

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

  —Baltasar Gracián

  * * *

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “Use arguement and you’ve lost the argument, end of.”

  You will obviously be utilizing this Cheat Sheet for when you are deploying the written word. Keep in mind that anyone who makes a spelling or grammatical error instantly renders the point they are making pointless. This is how Piers Morgan wins so many of his Twitter fights—he may be in the wrong, but his good grasp of the English language allows him to embarrass his opponents into if not submission, mild humiliation. Triple-check before you post or press send—you can never be too careful.

  Crisp Fact: “You use chords in music, cords in sex games.”

  If you’re floundering, counter with a fact about the spelling of a word or the word itself. It’ll take the sting out of the situation.

  Pivot: “What’s been your funniest ever autocorrect?”

  Made a mistake? Try blaming autocorrect. People almost always have an amusing anecdote about theirs or an acquaintance’s.

  CHEAT SHEET 2—GRAMMAR

  GRAMMATICAL DISPUTE

  INTERPRETATIONS

  Adjective

  A word that is used to describe a noun (a person or thing). For instance, hideous: “Why didn’t we realize in the 1980s that leg warmers were hideous?”

  Adverb

  Used to give more information about an adjective, verb, or other adverb, such as really. E.g., “That’s really not a good look.” Does not suffer from underuse in twenty-first century America.

  Apostrophes

  Apostrophes are used to make a contraction and show possession. Which translates to:

  1. Replacing a letter (or two). For example:

  • Do not = don’t.

  • Cannot = can’t.

  • It is = it’s.

  • There is = there’s. Not to be confused with they’re.

  • They are = they’re. Not to be confused with their. See Cheat Sheet 1, Spelling.

  • We will = we’ll.

  • Will not = won’t.

  • You are = you’re.

  2. Showing ownership. Even if there’s already an S at the end of a word.

  • John Oliver’s show.

  • The boss’s office. Could also be “boss’,” as there’s already an S there.

  • Ben and Jerry’s ice cream (need an S only on the second).

  NB: Do NOT add an apostrophe if ownership is already shown. Basically, if you’re not abbreviating anything.

  • That’s yours.

  • The snake’s escaped from its cage.

  • Markets boomed under Clinton.

  Lay and Lie

  I could bore you with talk of transitive verbs, direct subjects, and intransitive verbs. Instead I’ll just say:

  “You lied to lay or get laid by Kate Upton.”

  Don’t suppose you’ll be making that grammatical mistake again. Or get laid by Kate Upton, for that matter.

  Noun

  A word that refers to a person, place, animal, thing, or idea, for example: president, dildo, Washington, DC, sheep, or bestiality.

  Pronoun

  A word that is used often to avoid repeating a noun: I, he, she, it, we, hers, us, yours, or they. For instance, “Derek was so bored he skipped to the next Cheat Sheet.”

  Split Infinitive

  The world is divided into those who tolerate split infinitives and those who loathe them, to the extent they may come between you and a book deal, or even worse, sex. It’s when an adverb is added between to and a verb. For instance, “He appears to really hate him.” The grammatically correct version is “He appears to hate him.”

  That or Which

  You are forgiven for being confused by this—take one look at the Chicago Manual of Style and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Basically, the vast majority won’t pick you up on this if you follow these rules:

  Which refers to animals or things, never to people. That can refer to people, animals, and things.

  So that or which? Well, what’s attached to that is essential to the meaning of the sentence and what’s attached to which is not—it’s just some extra information.

  “Dogs that yap are the worst.”

  “A dog, which sometimes drools, is man’s best friend.”

  Who or Whom

  An English language expert will launch into a tremendously boring lecture about nominative/objective pronouns and throw the word clause around a lot. We just have a cunning trick: When you’re trying to figure out whether to use who or whom, decide whether the answer to the question is he or him. If it’s him, use whom, and if it’s he, it’s who.

  “Whom do you love?” “I love him.”

  “Who trod on the cat?” “He trod on the cat.”

  Verb

  A word that describes what a person or thing does, or what happens—for example, run, sing, grow, occur, seem.

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  I will not go down to posterity talking bad grammar.

  —Benjamin Disraeli

  * * *

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “The world is divided into those who tolerate, those who loathe, and those who don’t understand what a split infinitive is.”

  Split infinitives are one of the few areas that are up for debate in grammar, so are relatively safe to deliberate if for some reason you’ve ended up on this topic. Some people have no problem with them; until the 1800s, nobody raised an eyebrow over their use. For others, they are positively painful. Of course, many have no idea what they even are.

  Crisp Fact: “Which refers to animals or things, never to people.”

  This is a good one to have in your back pocket—so you never go there and can pick someone up on incorrect use if you feel the need.

  Pivot: “Have you ever ditched someone for using bad grammar?”

  This will provide an interesting insight into all partaking in the conversation. Grammar Nazis may not be even able to bring themselves to court, let alone bed, someone who can’t place an apostrophe in the appropriate place in a text message.

  CHEAT SHEET 3—SEPARATED BY A COMMON LANGUAGE—ENGLISH AND AMERICAN

  Don’t scoff at the Brits. It is somewhat telling that probably the greatest communicator in history, Winston Churchill, had an American mother and an English father. The perfect language is a combination of the two. This section is specifically for Americans who would like to close the deal while engaged in a business meeting, cocktail chat, or pre-hookup explorations with a Brit. Or maybe all three.

  EXPRESSION

  BRITS HEAR

  AMERICAN DOS, DON’TS, AND GENERAL INFO

  Bang

  Have sex with.

  Don’t use when referring to a hairstyle with a Brit. The British call American bangs a fringe.

  Bange
r

  A sausage, as in a frankfurter. Or an old car.

  You can use ironically with the word mash. Nothing to do with headbangers, who are people who wave their greasy hair about at rock concerts.

  Bill

  Police or invoice.

  Try not to call for the first if you can possibly avoid it, but definitely call for the second in a restaurant. If you ask for the check, the waitress will be wondering why she should be paying you.

  Bird

  One’s girlfriend or any young female.

  Use with extreme caution if you’re unsure of the sense of humor of any females in the vicinity.

  Bin

  To throw away, discard.

  What straight male Brits do to a bit of fluff.

  Bit of fluff

  Sexually attractive female lacking in brains.

  Not exactly a term of endearment.

  Blag

  Bluff.

  If you want to improve your blagging, don’t skip any of these Cheat Sheets.

  Bollocking

  A severe reprimand.

  If working for a Brit, avoid being on the receiving end of.

  Bollocks

  1. Testicles; 2. Rubbish, nonsense, drivel.

  Don’t worry about this. It’s impossible to say without a genuine Brit accent.