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  Bonk

  To have sex.

  Your call. If an attractive Brit suggests it, why not?

  Bugger

  Anal sex; joking term for addressing someone.

  Buggered—something’s broken, couldn’t be bothered.

  Bugger up—to make a mess of something.

  Bugger off—go away, leave me alone.

  Bugger all—absolutely nothing at all.

  When in doubt, ask for clarification. The abundance of multiple meanings is unfair.

  Can’t be arsed

  Can’t be bothered.

  Note for once, nothing to do with sex.

  Cheers

  Thank you. Also used in toasts.

  Use sparingly. Brits tend not to mind if an American utilizes it. However, some Americans object.

  Cider

  Alcoholic drink derived from apples.

  In a pub, don’t ask for it “hot with a cinnamon stick” unless you’d like a group of burly Manchester United fans to laugh you out of the building.

  Crumpet

  Attractive female.

  Not something worth risking saying within earshot of any female.

  Dogging

  Anonymous, public sex between strangers, usually taking place in cars or outdoors and in the presence of voyeurs.

  In the age of camera phones, it might be best not to engage in this.

  Drivel

  To talk stupidly and carelessly.

  Something you won’t be doing once you’ve read The Intelligent Conversationalist.

  Fanny

  Vagina.

  In general, stay away from this word, even when discussing one’s Aunt Fanny in a concerned way.

  Fancy

  1. Feel like; 2. Find attractive.

  Fancy dress—costume party attire.

  Not to be confused with posh, which is what Brits call Americans’ use of fancy. (“Port Out, Starboard Home” was the side of the boat Brits wanted to be on when they traveled to check out the Empire in the East.)

  Fit

  Attractive person.

  You want to be this.

  Fry-up

  Also known as the full English. A large breakfast that may include any/all of the following: bacon, eggs, black pudding, sausages, and baked beans.

  Proper black pudding is made from pork blood—you have been warned.

  Gooseberry

  Third person, outsider.

  What you were at one time in high school or college, but would never admit to now.

  Graft

  Hard work.

  Employ a Brit who says he or she will do this.

  Grill

  What you do to bacon when you’re being healthy.

  Americans would say broil.

  Gutted

  Disappointed.

  Good word. Okay for Americans to use.

  Knob

  1. Penis or dim-witted person. 2. Door handle.

  If this is said of you in your presence and nowhere near a door, be worried.

  IRA

  Terrorist group. If you are in the company of a Brit over age thirty, he or she will have a story about missing a bomb by minutes and some choice words about Ted Kennedy and Peter King.

  Probably best not bring it up, even if you’re referring to individual retirement accounts.

  Jock

  A Scotsman or a small dog.

  Not something American jocks want to be, unless they’ve Scottish roots.

  Mid-Atlantic

  Halfway between the US and the UK; Madonna’s accent when married to Guy Ritchie.

  Clarify your use unless you want to confuse a Brit.

  Muppet

  Foolish and incompetent person.

  Has nothing to do with Jim Henson, Sesame Street, or films showcasing Miss Piggy.

  Natter

  Talk pleasantly.

  Brits not being sarcastic here, for once.

  Nick

  1. Prison; 2. Police station; 3. To steal.

  Avoid.

  Pants

  Underpants or something that’s not very good.

  Unless you want a Brit to laugh at you, don’t refer to your trousers as pants.

  Paralytic

  Extremely drunk.

  This has nothing to do with neuromuscular functioning. It is the normal state of a Brit who’s been at a pub for several hours.

  Peckish

  Slightly hungry.

  Use this either when you’d like a little snack or when you’re paralytic and need a fry-up to deal with the alcohol from the cider you drank before the Manchester United fans threw you out the pub’s front door.

  Piss

  Urinate.

  To take the piss—tease.

  On the piss—out drinking.

  Pissed—drunk.

  Pissed off—annoyed.

  If in doubt, ask for clarification.

  Plank

  A right idiot.

  Give a Brit a bollocking if he or she calls you this when it’s undeserved.

  Pull

  To persuade someone to be one’s date or sex partner.

  On the pull—to seek a date or sex partner.

  Americans arguably better at this than Brits.

  Quite

  A little bit. Often used sarcastically. “Quite good” means “not very good.”

  Never use in the company of a Brit. People have been fired over misunderstanding this phrase.

  Roast(ing)

  Either roasting meat or a gangbang involving one girl and many men, normally football (aka soccer) players.

  Tell a Brit you went to a great “roasting” and he or she will use you as the punch line of all his or her jokes for the rest of time.

  Roger

  Roger—to have sexual intercourse.

  Roger that—I heard you.

  Very important for you to listen carefully here. Ask them to repeat if not quite sure.

  Row

  Argument.

  Not pronounced in the way you would pronounce the verb that has to do with how one propels a canoe or where your seat is in a theater.

  Sacked

  Fired from a job.

  No laughing matter.

  Section

  To detain under the Mental Health Act.

  Scary ground here.

  Skint

  Penniless/broke.

  Good word; Americans allowed to utilize.

  Slag

  A promiscuous woman. Also occasionally heard with reference to such men.

  Practice safe sex if with one or if you are one.

  Sod

  Unpleasant person, exclamation of frustration originally short for sodomite. Or if preceded by “poor”—an unfortunate person.

  Sod it—exclamation of contempt or frustration

  If you mean turf and you’re with a Brit, say turf.

  Strop, Stropping, Stroppy

  A bad mood, a fit of fury more fitting for a toddler but indulged in by an adult.

  Good insult; consider adopting.

  Tit

  Fool.

  If someone tells you that you’re “making a total tit of yourself,” it’s time to change course, especially if you’re hoping to hook up with them.

  Tosser

  Also a wanker, which as you know is someone who masturbates. And is an idiot.

  Nothing to do with salad.

  Twat

  The female genitals (from the 1600s).

  A contemptible person, an idiot.

  Brits couldn’t just leave it at vagina. I apologize for my countrymen.

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.

  —Woody Allen

  * * *

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “There are some words, such as bollocks, that just shouldn’t be said in anything other than a British accent.”

  Americans usually sound like Dick Van Dyke gone wrong when they try to speak t
he Queen’s English (although Jake Gyllenhaal’s enunciation was perfection on Broadway in 2015). Leave the Brits to their colloquialisms; you’ve plenty of “awesome” slang of your own that can be rendered properly only in an American accent.

  Crisp Fact: American cider will disappoint British people.

  Most Brits love their alcohol, so either embrace us for it or judge from afar. (The former is far more fun.)

  Pivot: “Madonna’s tweed-wearing British phase seems so long ago. Seen her Instagram lately?”

  Nicely inclusive, as everyone can summon up an opinion on Madonna, even if it’s just “what has she done to her face?”

  CHEAT SHEET 4—DEBATE

  This final English language Cheat Sheet gives you some strategies to come out champion of any conversation. We first focus on an A to Z of impressive words to throw into your chat now and again. We then follow these up with a few one-liner get-outs and steer-aways to ensure you can dig yourself out of any holes you may find yourself in.

  DISARMING WORD

  TRANSLATION

  Avarice

  Excessive greed. Use when describing bankers, politicians, realtors, and the IRS. Except to their face. Or in writing.

  Borborygmus

  Your tummy is rumbling. Could be used as some sort of icebreaker when trying to convince someone to have dinner with you.

  Connive

  To plot, scheme. This book is somewhat conniving.

  Disestablishmentarianism

  Opposes having an established religion within a state. Antidisestablishmentarianism is thus basically radical GOP—dismissive of evolution and for school prayer.

  Erudite

  Learned. What you will be when you’ve read all the Cheat Sheets.

  Fractious

  Irritable, troublesome. Normally used in connection with a child, thus suitably insulting when deployed on an adult.

  Gluttony

  Aka what goes on at the Super Bowl, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

  Hauteur

  Haughtiness—take care that you don’t take arrogance too far after completing this book. Not to be confused with couture, though the two words have much in common.

  Inveterate

  Stubbornly established by habit. “He’s an inveterate taker of dinner off the mirror.” (If you missed my Single Girl’s Survival Guide, those who “do dinner off the mirror” eschew food for hoovering cocaine.)

  Jabberwock

  Nonsense, gibberish; not to be confused with a character in Star Wars.

  Kismet

  Fate; destiny. Not to be confused with Katniss, an aquatic plant and the heroine in The Hunger Games.

  Lackadaisical

  Lacking spirit, liveliness; languid. NB: You’d be lax—not to mention incorrect—to spell it laxidasical.

  Malapropism

  Aka Dogberryism. Misusing or switching words that are similar. Often amusing—to everyone else. Example, Dan Quayle, vice-president: “Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”

  Nadir

  Lowest point of something. Regularly—and accurately—describes relations with nations in the Middle East.

  Obtuse

  Irritatingly insensitive or difficult to understand. In other words, anyone who disagrees with you.

  Panacea

  Cure-all; a remedy for all disease or ills. Not ever going to happen to the US health-care system.

  Qoph

  The 19th letter of the Hebrew alphabet and a Scrabble-winning word.

  Repudiate

  Refuse to accept; reject. Sarah Palin infamously riffed on this word and came up with “refudiate.” Safest for you not to, clearly.

  Sycophant

  Person who flatters someone for self-gain. Troubles politicians and celebrities more than us mere mortals.

  Truculent

  Quick to fight; aggressively defiant. Often used in relation to teenagers and thus all the more damning if employed against an adult.

  Umbrage

  Dolores Umbridge was the awful woman in pink in the Harry Potter books. J. K. Rowling undoubtedly playing with umbrage, which means taking resentment.

  Vex

  Upmarket way of saying to confuse or annoy.

  Wanton

  Deliberate and unprovoked; promiscuous person (usually female); play or frolic. Essential element to have in one’s existence, whichever meaning is being referred to.

  Xenon

  Colorless, odorless gas; Scrabble savior.

  Yack

  To talk incessantly and tiresomely. What everyone apart from you does occasionally.

  Zenith

  The highest point.

  The next sets of phrases are there to get you out of a tight spot, for sometimes we all find ourselves a little out of our depth. Every single television personality has a tell, a filler word or phrase they employ while they try to figure out what to say on air without looking like a muppet. One of the most successful cable news hosts I’ve ever worked with uses exactly. My get-out-of-jail card is to say “on some levels, yes.” It buys enough time for me to figure out, under the X-ray that is the TV camera, how I’m going to steer the conversation to an area I want to talk about. And this is worth repeating: Never use the words like or you know. You are not an ignorant fool; you are an intelligent member of society.

  To buy time while you figure out how to respond:

  • Repeat the question.

  • Use pauses and remark “good question” or “interesting point.”

  • Direct the question to someone else.

  Be vague if you’re unsure:

  • “Recently”—could mean at any point in the past few years.

  • “In my opinion.”

  Counterpunches:

  • “You’re being defensive.”

  • “Surely it’s no coincidence that the word listen is an anagram of the word silent.”

  • “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”

  • “Frankness is usually a euphemism for rudeness.”

  To win a debate with a conservative:

  • “A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.”

  To win a debate with a liberal:

  • “Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brains.” —Winston Churchill

  • “The principal feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness.” —P. J. O’Rourke

  When you’ve won a debate:

  • “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

  • “The shortest complete sentence in the English language is ‘Go.’ Shall we go to the bar?”

  When you’re sinking:

  • “Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.”

  • “Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

  To end the debate and come out with some of your reputation intact:

  • “Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.”

  • “After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

  On the very rare occasions you initially appear to have lost:

  • “You can’t learn anything while you’re talking.”

  • “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” —Marcus Aurelius

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  I love argument, I love debate. I don’t expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that’s not their job.

  —Margaret Thatcher

  * * *

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

  The above phrase will shut everyone up, but avail yourself of it sparingly. You don’t want a reputation as a killjoy, you want to be known for your sparkling chitchat.

  Crisp Fac
t: The word xenon may save you at Scrabble one day.

  Always important to commit a few good Scrabble words to memory; not using your phone to cheat will always be admired, if not appreciated.

  Pivot: “I think we should all just follow Marcus Aurelius: ‘Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.’”

  Take the high road—this is cocktail conversation, not a GOP primary.

  SUBJECT TWO—MATH AND ECONOMICS

  MATH AND ECONOMICS SUMMARY

  The key theme to think about when discussing anything related to this subject is that you agree with John Kenneth Galbraith’s infamous appraisal: “The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.” This shuts up people who think they know something, as they really don’t. It then allows you to throw in a brilliant but appropriately obscure crisp fact to show your sophistication. Try “the monuments on euro notes are fictional so no country’s national pride is offended.” This will allow you the perfect segue to your pivot out of a financial discussion, which is not somewhere you ever want to linger in polite company. Ask “What’s your favorite European city?” Even if the people you’re speaking to have never crossed the pond, there’s normally somewhere they wouldn’t mind stopping by—and if they don’t, why are you talking to them? Food! Wine! Real monuments that are over three hundred years old everywhere! Sex! (You should always travel hopefully.)